A Midsummer Days Nightmare
by Gray Cardinal
Summary: Oberon's straying again. The Muppets are staging a production of a certain Shakespeare play. Titania casts a spell....
1. Act I

**Disclaimer:**_The Muppets have been borrowed from Jim Henson Productions/Disney (hard to say which, exactly, nowadays) for the purposes of the present narrative, which appears without the knowledge or sponsorship of their corporate trademark holders. If anyone was making a profit on this project, it would be Scooter's uncle who owns the theater, and since he's a fictional character (as far as we know), that doesn't count. Titania, Oberon, Puck, and the faerie court have been borrowed from William Shakespeare, who's been dead for several hundred years and is in no position to object. _

**Notes:** _This story was originally conceived as a response to two entirely separate requests from the "NYR 2006" Yuletide challenge (from Merlin Missy and Elke Tanzer, respectively). However, the deadline for that NYR has long passed into ether, and I'm finally finishing it as part of a challenge via the_ multific _LiveJournal community._

_Under the circumstances, it should be emphasized that these incarnations of Oberon, Titania, and Puck are drawn purely from Shakespeare and not from the realm of the Disney series __**Gargoyles**__. Also, note that this story takes place sometime during the Muppet troupe's tenancy in the original __**Muppet Show**__ theater (owned by Scooter's uncle), and therefore long precedes the events of __**Muppets in Space**__. _

#

**Act I, Scene I • A Faerie Wood**

_Enter Titania and her court (Peaseblossom, Moth, and Cobweb), grousing._

_Titania:  
_Again my faerie husband Oberon  
Doth dally in another's bed than mine;  
A lesson he must clearly learn, methinks,  
Else he shall find his dear Titania – gone.

_Pease.:_  
Nay, do not say it!

_Moth:  
_If you stand aside  
Our master will be Oberon alone.

_Cobweb:_  
And if milady thinks him fickle now,

_Moth:_  
But wait until no other shares the throne.

_Titania:  
_Thy point is taken. Yet must I take note  
Of milord's waywardness in such a wise  
As may convey that I shall not endure  
This further straying of his wedded eyes.

Cobweb:  
'Tis true; some means to hold him to his bond  
Of marriage must be found.

Pease.:  
But what to do?

_Moth:  
_A rune?

_Cobweb:  
_A charmèd potion?

_Pease.:  
_Chanted spells?

_Titania:_  
Not one of those can make a false heart true.

_Enter Puck, whistling._

_Puck:  
_Why, hey! What makes thine eyes so plain and dark,  
So like to too-ripe grapes about to fall?  
Such somber air is quite unlike the queen  
Whose favor Puck is pleased to serve withal.

_Titania:  
_A favor, yes! Good Robin, here's a thought --  
I need diversion, something glib and bland;  
Perhaps a glance into the mortal realms  
To see some bit of mischief being planned.

_Puck:  
_Oh, aye, that's well within my simple gifts.  
Come, then, yon crystal pool let's all surround;  
And in its mirror'd surface let us see  
What mortals think of us, and where they're found.

_Puck, Titania, and the faeries gather round the woodland pool. Puck draws a handful of silvery dust from his pocket, casts it in a sweeping gesture over the water's surface, and all watch as a misty image forms, quickly resolving into:_

**Scene II • The Muppet Theater (Kermit's Office)**

Kermit the Frog was – as usual – wondering why on earth he'd agreed to the company's latest project. In this case, it was a performance of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, and he shook his head at the thought of attempting Shakespeare with a cast that included three pigs, a dog, most of the Electric Mayhem, several chickens, and a – whatever Gonzo was. Plus himself; the only other candidate for Oberon had been Sam the Eagle, and Sam refused to work with his only possible choice for Titania.

"Because my uncle who owns the theater decided we needed to do something really cultural – and really cheap – to balance out last month's shows. Between Crazy Harry, Gonzo, and Dr. Honeydew, we've blown up the theater five times in the last two weeks."

Kermit looked at Scooter quizzically. "How--?"

"That was your _Why on earth are we doing this_? look," Scooter said. "Wasn't it?"

Kermit sighed. "It was. I just don't know if we can pull this off. I mean, Shakespeare? That's Serious Literature," he said, emphasizing the invisible capital letters – a skill he'd picked up during his years on _Sesame Street_.

"We always do, boss," Scooter told him. "You'll see."

"I hope so," Kermit said. "How's the rehearsal going?"

Scooter jerked his head in the direction of the stage. "See for yourself," he said. "I think they're working on the second act."

Shrugging, Kermit put down his pen; the prop budget would wait. As he poked his head through the curtain, Miss Piggy was waving a cowboy hat and declaiming, "Come, now! A roundup and a fairy song, then add the third part in a minute. Fence! Some kill the bankers in the muskrat beds, some war with Batman for his leather wings . . . ."

"Batman has wings? I thought he had a cape!" That was Rowlf, who was playing Puck.

"It'll take more than Batman to save this production!' called Statler from the balcony.

"Kenneth Branagh couldn't save this mess!" retorted Waldorf. "Batman? In Shakespeare?"

"Kenneth Branagh? Where? Where?" The porcine faerie queen dropped the hat and any semblance of Titania (except for the fluttery silk wings she was wearing) and looked eagerly around the set.

Sighing loudly enough to raise a small dust-cloud, Kermit padded out onto the stage. "We couldn't get Branagh on such short notice. In fact," he added, "the budget won't run to a guest star for this one – we're still paying off the carpenters for the last two reconstruction jobs. Sorry, Piggy; you're stuck with me this time."

Miss Piggy gave her favorite frog one of her trademarked winsome looks. "Ohhh, Kermie," she said, "I'd rather act with you any day of the week."

Kermit swallowed and managed not to sigh again. "I know, Piggy. From the top, then, Act Two, Scene Two – scripts in hand, please."

**Scene III • The Faerie Wood**

_Round the pool again, where Titania, Puck, and her faerie train are gathered, watching the unfolding rehearsal on the pool's shimmering surface._

_Cobweb:_  
Our revels staged by farm-beasts? I've not seen  
Such nonsense in I know not what a span.

_Moth:_  
Who chose the pig to play our lady queen  
Needs must be mad.

_Pease.:  
_Perhaps that is their plan,  
To mock the story writ of us of old.

_Puck:_  
Not so! Or not exactly; I have seen  
These players elsewhen. Theirs is no small gift;  
Unlike those mortal folk we once bemused,  
They have an eye for truth, if sideways told.

_Titania:  
_Well spoken, Puck. And I believe I see  
A way to turn their talent to the good  
If you will but seek out Lord Oberon  
And draw him to this place in our fair wood.

_Puck:_ [_bowing_]  
I shall indeed, my queen; thy Puck takes flight,  
I'll have him here ere midday turns to night!

_He exits._

#


	2. Act II

**Act II, Scene I • The Muppet Theater**

After the third attempt at the beginning of Act III had gone to the chickens (Gonzo had insisted that Camilla should play Flute to his Bottom, which had led to Camilla's fellow chickens being cast as Starveling and Snout, and none of the chickens were succeeding in staying on script), Kermit had called a ten-minute break.

The rest of the cast had made a beeline for the lunchroom, but Gonzo had sat down on a prop rock. "Maybe I should give up and shoot myself through the roof into orbit," he said unhappily. "This just isn't working." He glanced up at the balcony, but even Statler and Waldorf were gone. They had, however, left large white placards leaning against their seats; Statler's read _Thou dost snore distinctly_, to which Waldorf's added _There's meaning in thy snores_.

"That isn't even original!" Gonzo yelled up at the empty balcony. Statler's placard promptly fell forward onto the seat of his chair, revealing another behind it that read _We know_. An instant later, the card in Waldorf's chair did the same; behind it, the second placard read _The Tempest, Act II, Scene 1._

"Oh, good grief," Gonzo said, slumping forward, his head in his hands. "Now I'm being heckled by remote control."

**Scene II • The Faerie Wood**

_As before, somewhat later. Titania and her train continue to lounge beside the pool. A moment passes, then Puck enters._

_Puck:[breathless_]  
Hey-ho and 'ware – Lord Oberon's at hand,  
'Tis time, O Queen, to draw aside the cloak  
That hides from us your purpose and intent—

_Titania:_  
Be still withal; watch now what I invoke.

_She raises a hand on which a brightly jeweled ring glitters, sketching an invisible sign in the air and gesturing at the viewing-pool as if pushing the rune into the air above its surface. As she completes the motion, Oberon enters, slightly winded, and Titania turns from the pool to face him._

_Oberon:[bows]  
_My puissant lady, what disturbs thy calm?  
Good Robin brings me news that thou art raxed  
By charm or cantrip like a nettle's sting,  
Too small to truly harm, yet 'nough to tax.

_As Oberon speaks, faint tendrils of mist spiral upward from the pool's surface. Titania's attention appears firmly fixed on the faerie king, but she is idly making small stirring motions with her ring-hand as the mist rises._

_Titania:[inclines her head slightly]  
_'Tis so, I fear. Some while past, I drank  
From, as I thought, yon pure and crystal pond;  
Now visions bright and strange do range unchecked  
All through my daydreams – and, I fear, beyond.

_Oberon frowns and approaches the pool, eyeing it thoughtfully as the mists grow thicker. As he reaches the water's edge, some of the mist-tendrils seem to reach out and wrap themselves around his ankles, then begin to twine upward as he speaks:_

_Oberon:  
_I know this glen of old, this pool as well;  
'Tis one used sometime as a scrying-place.  
Yet water's not the agent of tha--

_The mist has reached Oberon's waist when Titania softly snaps her fingers, there is an eyeblink's flash of blue from her ring, and Oberon is frozen in mid-word – much to the consternation of the queen's courtiers._

_Moth:_  
What?

_Cobweb:_  
He's 'tranced, I ken, yet not for very long  
can such spells hold . . . .

_Puck:  
_The queen must needs be quick.

_Titania gestures for silence – with her other hand – and the courtiers obey. With her ring hand, she makes a sweeping gesture, and the mist abruptly billows up, almost entirely shrouding Oberon and forming a cloud of silvery fog above the scrying pool. Within the cloud, vague, smoky images swirl like dancers wheeling to and fro across a stage._

_Titania:  
_Faerie magic, faerie ring, freely given binds a king.  
Veil 'twixt the worlds is drawn; through it now pass Oberon.  
Yet he can and shall return, if he'll but this lesson learn:  
Pride in stature, body, form, cannot make a heart grow warm.  
Joy of heart, delight of mind; these the virtues he must find,  
All while wrapped in mortal guise, seeing through a mortal's eyes.  
So say I, the faerie queen: Stage is set. Begin the scene!

_There is a sudden whirl of wind, and Titania's ring flashes again as the mist roils fiercely for a moment, then curls and twists itself into a thick spun-silver cord of gossamer light, one end wrapped around Oberon's waist, the other plunging straight into the center of the pool. All is still for the briefest of instants as a silvery pulse runs the length of the cord and back again. At one last gesture from Titania, both ends of the silvery mist-cord unweave themselves, contract, then connect, forming a faint ring of shimmering, spider-silk light around the water's edge._

_Only then does the magic binding Oberon's body seem to release. He shakes his head fiercely as if to clear it, then pauses and slowly turns completely around. Finally he speaks, in a voice that is rather squeakier and higher-pitched than the faerie king's usual measured tone._

_As he does so, everyone – Titania, her courtiers, and Puck – eyes him as if he's suddenly grown a donkey's head (which he hasn't; he still looks exactly like Oberon, King of all Faerie). But he sounds for all the world like Gonzo the Great . . . ._

_Gonzo:  
_What happened? Where's the stage? Hey, you've got wings,  
But none of you are chickens! Say, that's weird,  
I'm talking kind of like the Shakespeare script.  
Hey, Kermit? Piggy? Where is everyone????

#


	3. Act III

**Act III, Scene I • The Muppet Theater (Backstage)**

"Where's Gonzo?" Kermit asked Scooter as the youngster dashed past him. "Dinner break's almost over. If we're going to get through Acts Four and Five today, we've got to get started on time."

Scooter stopped, looking thoughtful. "Not sure, boss. I haven't seen him since we finished his scene in Act Three. He was kind of . . . ."

"I know," Kermit said. Gonzo in a dejected mood had its advantages; when not distracted by one of his mad enthusiasms, he was actually one of the best actors in the company, and especially good at fitting himself into the literary classics that formed such a large part of the Muppet repertoire.

But a dejected Gonzo also made for a decidedly dispirited Bottom, and while the rehearsal of Act Three's first scene had been almost impossibly efficient, it had also been frustratingly flat and one-sided. Kermit had chosen not to press the matter – everyone else, Miss Piggy included, had stayed closer to on-script than he'd expected, and that particular miracle wasn't one he cared to risk sacrificing.

He was drawing the breath for a froggy sigh when a familiar curly-nosed whatever-he-was strode into the green room. "Gonzo! We've been looking for you!" Kermit glanced at the clock. "Places for Act Four rehearsal in ten minutes."

"Such places I know not." The words emerged from Gonzo's mouth in a deep, resonant voice that didn't sound at all like Gonzo. "Nor does the Lord of Faerie dance to any will but his."

Kermit frowned; the look Gonzo was giving him had a fierceness about it that was also distinctly un-Gonzo-like – well, except when Gonzo was playing a really over-the-top villain, and then there'd be a gleefully mischievous sparkle in his eye that was totally missing from his present expression.

"Yes, well," the frog replied, picking up the circlet that constituted his costume as Oberon and settling it atop his head, "the Lord of Faerie is also your director, and as your director I'm telling you we start in ten minutes. You'd better find your donkey head—"

"A _donkey_?" The word leapt from Gonzo's mouth like a marble from a slingshot. "No one dares insult me thus. Most surely not," he paused, eyeing Kermit with unmistakable disdain, "a lowly frog whose pretense mocks my throne." With a sudden rapid motion, he leaned forward and reached for Kermit's crown. Instinctively, Kermit ducked . . .

. . . and what had obviously been meant as a sweeping gesture turned instead into a rapid, uncontrolled spin, with enough momentum behind it that in the space of three seconds Gonzo's body was whirling in place like an electric eggbeater.

Then again, so was Kermit's brain.

"Piggy?" he called after a moment. "A little help here?"

Instantly, a porcine nose nuzzled his shoulder from behind, its owner's voice murmuring "_Enchanté, mon petit_ – oh. What's _he_ doing?"

"Spinning," Scooter said promptly. "Looks like about seventy-eight rpm."

"Obvious much?" Miss Piggy said, coming around from behind Kermit and adopting a karate stance. "Haiii—"

Hurriedly, Kermit grabbed his leading pig's arm. "Gently!" he told her. "We need him onstage, not in the hospital."

Miss Piggy grumbled but shifted out of strike position. "If you insist, _mon cheri_." She took a step, reached out, and grabbed Gonzo's body by the shoulders. There was a chalk-like screech as her target's feet stopped in their tracks, and a slight crunch as Miss Piggy's feet dug into the floor.

The dark gleam was still in Gonzo's eyes, even if they were more than a little dazed from spinning. "Unhand me, swine! I'll suffer not your touch!"

"_Swine_?? I'll swine you! Haiii—" Fortunately for both Kermit and Gonzo, Miss Piggy had to step backward a couple of paces to make room for her windup, and Kermit caught her by the arm again, panting a little this time.

"Please, Piggy! Let's all settle down a little here. That means you too, Gonzo," Kermit added, frowning in Gonzo's direction with what he hoped was a properly firm but concerned look.

The hook-nosed Muppet took a deep breath, blinked, and regarded Kermit and the others with a peculiar expression. "An urchin boy, a pig, a crownèd frog . . . this surely is a dream. I'm—"

"Underdog?" guessed Scooter. Kermit and Piggy both gave him severe looks.

"Not myself." The voice still didn't sound like Gonzo's, but a good deal of the anger had gone out of it. "But trapped, perhaps, by clever curse or spell."

Kermit took a deep breath. "Look, Gonzo, I know we had problems with the third act. But we need to get through this. Once we've finished the run-through, we can talk about it."

The other Muppet clenched his fists, and it looked for a moment as if he might actually strike out at Kermit. But then he swallowed, unfolded his hands, and said quietly but firmly, "This Gonzo whom you name I do not know. I am the Lord of Faerie, Oberon; believe or disbelieve me as you will."

"No, no, no! My Kermie is Oberon!" Miss Piggy shot back. "And I—" she added, dropping into her trademarked dripping-with-romance voice, "am Titania, the beautiful and dazzling Fairy Queen." She fluttered her eyebrows dramatically, and tried – none too successfully – to do the same with the silk-and-wire wings sewn to the back of her costume.

"Titania? You? Now there's a true-born jest." To Kermit's astonishment, Gonzo – or Oberon – burst out laughing.

"Um, boss?" Scooter had found a script, and was glancing back and forth between Gonzo and the pages he was flipping through. "I don't think he's kidding. And he's talking in iambic pentameter."

Miss Piggy had been glaring at Gonzo; now she turned the expression on Scooter. "Iambic who?"

"Blank verse," Kermit said. "Like Shakespeare's dialogue – a lot of it, anyway. It isn't very difficult at all."

Scooter nodded. "He's right, Miss Piggy; I can do it, too."

"And so could Gonzo," Kermit said. "There's no doubt of that. The thing is," he added, casting a froggy eye on the Muppet that he sincerely hoped was still Gonzo, "Bottom mostly doesn't speak in verse. And Gonzo is playing Bottom. The weaver. Who wears a donkey head in Act Four. Which we are supposed to begin rehearsing in—" he glanced at the clock "—seven minutes."

Oberon returned Kermit's gaze evenly. "I know that tale, of course, from time long past – but I'm no weaver, nor will play his part. To my own self alone will I be true."

Kermit sighed. "Then we have a problem. Right now, whoe'er you are, the play's the thing; I need an actor, not a faerie king." He blinked. "Good grief, now I'm doing it, too!"#

**Scene II • The Faerie Wood**

_We return to the wood at precisely the moment we left it at the end of Act II; Puck is the first to recover a semblance of his wits._

_Puck:(to Titania)_  
What has thy magic wrought, my Queen? 'Tis clear  
Our lord is not himself.

_Titania:  
_Indeed, 'tis so;  
The spell's done somewhat more than what I willed.  
I only thought to send the king away,  
And so I have, it seems – but in his place  
Is come the spark of one from where he's gone  
Now clothed in faerie form and royal face.

_Gonzo-in-Oberon's-body tries to take a step forward and stumbles, dropping to his knees and uttering a sharp grunt. Then he blinks, stares for a long moment at the knees, and follows this with a thorough and increasingly fascinated examination of as much as he can easily see of his new appearance without getting up. _

_Gonzo:(slowly at first)  
_Fingers. Toes. And legs – like, manly legs!  
And they're in tights, like Superman's . . . no, more  
Like Robin Hood's, I guess. Smooth skin. Nice pecs.  
And hey, my shoulders itch. Unless – too weird!  
I've got wings now, I think, so can I fly?

_He flexes his shoulders experimentally, but the wings only flutter slightly._

_Puck:  
(to Titania) _You'd think he'd never seen a fae before.

_Titania:_  
That's likely true.

_Moth:_  
These latter days, we've kept  
To our own haunts, away from mortal view.

_Puck:_  
The question, though, is who's been drawn across  
From there to here, within our lord to dwell.

_Cobweb:_  
The strumpet pig?

_Moth:  
_Forfend! Mayhap the boy  
Whose uncle owns the hall where they rehearse.

_Pease.:  
_I favor the piano-playing hound.

_Gonzo, who has had little luck with his flying experiments, stands up._

_Gonzo:_  
I'm right here, guys! That is, wherever 'here'  
May be. If I could have a drum roll, please?

_Peaseblossom and Cobweb look at each other, shrug, produce small hand drums from nowhere in particular, and begin beating at a brisk tempo. Gonzo allows the drumming to build for a few moments, then speaks._

_Gonzo:_  
Much better. Now then, with no more ado  
I'm Gonzo, called the Great. Who all are you?

_The drumming stops in its tracks. Titania's courtiers stare, shocked, at Gonzo's cavalier tone. But Titania and Puck share a bemused glance, and the queen nods lightly._

_Puck:'_  
Tis as you guessed some moments since, of course;  
We are the folk of Faerie, lithe and bright.  
My lady is Titania; these, her court,  
And I am Robin, merry mischief's knight.

_Gonzo:_  
_(slowly)_ Now let me get this straight; you're Shakespeare's fae  
With wings and tights and magic and so on;  
You saw us in rehearsal, then somehow  
You switched my brain with . . . good grief, Oberon?

_At Gonzo's last line, Titania's expression grows abruptly sharp, but she quickly schools her face to a calmer appearance._

_Titania:_  
_(gently)_ Not by intent, but yes, I fear 'tis so.

_Gonzo:_  
_(softly, to himself)_ So Oberon's in me, away back home,  
With Kermit, Piggy . . . and Camilla, too.  
_(to Titania)_ Is he as much a cad as Shakespeare wrote?

_The queen eyes Gonzo critically before replying in as deliberately neutral a tone as she can muster._

_Titania:_  
His eye has wandered, now as well as then.

_Gonzo:  
(firmly)_ Then send me back, oh queen; I must protect  
My true love from his false and wicked ways.

_Her courtiers gasp – one does not make demands of the Queen of Faerie, nor speak so directly of the King's character flaws. Titania, however, merely shakes her head gravely._

_Titania:_  
The charm I cast cannot be altered now;  
'Tis Oberon's to break or to fulfill.

_As might be expected, Gonzo does not take this well. His (well, technically Oberon's) eyes darken, then the irises begin to whirl, flashing through several shades each of blue, green, and silver._

_Gonzo:_  
Best find a way, or I'll . . . I'll break out of this stupid iambic pentameter and do something really drastic!#

**Scene III • The Muppet Theater (Gonzo's Dressing Room)**

The King of all Faerie had been staring into Gonzo's mirror for nearly a full minute, but the image within it was stubbornly refusing to change. It was still that of a peculiar-looking creature with a curled beak-like nose, oversized eyes, and far too much purple in its wardrobe. This Gonzo's body was at least a foot shorter than Oberon's own, and remarkably light in weight for its size – though even that didn't entirely account for the remarkable inertia he'd generated in reaching for the frog's prop crown earlier. There was something . . . odd about the fabric of reality here, and it was having peculiar effects on his faerie powers. He felt physically stronger than Gonzo's body had any right to be – and he strongly suspected that he could still fly, even though Gonzo didn't have wings. But his every attempt to cast a glamour or charm had borne no fruit whatsoever, and he had been entirely unable to open a path back to his own realm.

That last, of course, was most likely a direct result of Titania's spell. He had not caught the words of her invocation – the binding had stolen his hearing – but the tenor of the magic had been clear enough, and he had all too good an idea of why she'd banished him. His dalliance with Wisp had been insufficiently discreet, and Titania was rarely inclined to be forgiving about such matters.

The nature of such spells, though, dictated that there was surely an escape clause. He was contemplating what the loophole might be when a violent clatter rattled the dressing room door—

—as an enormous chicken burst through it.

"ClucCLUUCKK!"

He dodged instinctively as the creature – it was nearly as large as he was – attempted to throw itself into his arms, squawking all the way. "ClucluclucKAWcluckawCLUCK!" _Gonzo, what's wron_—_?_ Abruptly, the oversized, unusually fluffy chicken drew backward, eyeing him warily. "ClucCLUCKcluckawcluckcluckKAWW!" _Scooter was right—what have you done with my Gonzo?"_

Oberon blinked. Somehow, behind the incessant clucking, there were words; could the chicken possibly be talking to him? "I only know that I've been banished here; the mind whose form this is I cannot sense."

The clucking grew even more excitable, and so did the thoughts behind it. _You – you stole Gonzo's brain? You fiend! You slime! You, you . . . turkey!!!_

"I've stolen nothing," Oberon said, desperate to calm the fevered fowl, "this I tell you true. But answer this: what's Gonzo's fate to you?"

The chicken gave a single indignant-sounding squawk, followed by a long string of quieter clucks. _Why, we're in love,_ came the reply. _He's all the world to me._

He couldn't help it. A chicken, in love with the bizarre creature in whose body he was somehow stuck? Even considering the odd nature of those he'd met so far, it was too impossible to be believed. Oberon laughed, a deep guffaw pouring implausibly from Gonzo's scrawny throat. "In love? The very thought is too absurd."

"KWAWclucCLUUCKKK!" The chicken rushed him, thrashing fiercely with her wings and getting in several painful jabs with her beak before abruptly jumping back again. _What have I done? You may be pond scum, but the body's Gonzo's and I can't hurt him._ And Oberon stared, utterly astonished, as the chicken suddenly began to cry, burying her face under a wing whose feathers rapidly grew damp with tears.

He stood frozen in shock for a moment before instinct kicked in. However capricious the fae might be, no faerie could remain aloof in the presence of genuine misery, and that was clearly what was unfolding before him. Stepping forward, Oberon set one of Gonzo's claw-fingered hands carefully on what passed for the chicken's shoulder, and spoke in newly quiet tones. "My most unseemly mirth I do recall; what little comfort I may give, I shall."

She shook off the hand, but the sobbing stopped, and the chicken cautiously lifted her head again, cocking a wide, moist eye at the faerie king. _The story Scooter told – is it the truth; you're really Oberon, like in the play?_

Oberon nodded. "Titania's magic did this, there's no doubt; the counterspell, I've yet to winnow out."

_A counterspell? We can get Gonzo back?_ The chicken's clucking turned audibly hopeful.

"What's done can be reversed; that's magic's way." The details remained elusive, but the faerie king was beginning to have dire suspicions about where Gonzo's mind might have landed – which made him all the more eager to undo Titania's banishment.

Just then, however, there was a sharp rap, and Scooter poked his head around the dressing room door. "Camilla? Gon—er, Your Royalness? Places for Act Four, two minutes!" And he was gone again.

Oberon and Camilla exchanged a helpless glance. "I'm not a player."

"ClucCLUCK!" Camilla actually sounded amused now. _That makes two of us. I took the role for Gonzo, nothing more._

"And his part's Bottom, donkey head and all?"

_It suits him – maybe better than he thinks. And you should know that Bottom's no mere ass._

The faerie king groaned. "The pun is foul; thy judgment, though, is fair." Then he gave a deep sigh. "It seems I must do this – so let's away. Perhaps I'll find a purpose in this play." He gestured idly toward the dressing room door. Much to his surprise, it opened by itself, a familiar though faint whisper of magic underlying the action. Shrugging, he followed Camilla out and down the stairs, searching his memory as he went for Shakespeare's version of a certain long-ago episode in faerie history.#

**Scene IV • The Faerie Wood**

_A few minutes have passed since Gonzo's outburst. Titania's court has dispersed itself unobtrusively into the shadows, leaving the Queen and Gonzo with a modicum of privacy, though Puck still lingers on the fringes of the moonlight, while Titania and Gonzo (albeit Gonzo in Oberon's body) are seated beneath a tree a few yards from the scrying pool._

_Titania:  
_Pray doubt not that I truly do regret  
That from your heartmate's side you have been drawn;  
The magic quite exceeded my intent—

_Gonzo:_  
You're telling me I'm stuck in Oberon?  
_He pauses._  
I'm sorry, this is just too weird even for me, and I specialize in weird! Anyway, like I said before, just send me back and everything will be cool.

_Titania:_  
Were it within my power, I would grant  
Thy wish with all dispatch and courtesy,  
But even I can't uncast half a spell.

_Gonzo:_  
You don't understand, Camilla needs me! Also, if that lecherous, two-timing excuse for a faery king lays one mangy blue finger on my Camilla, I'll . . . I'll donate his body to mad science for spare parts while I'm still in it!

_Titania:_  
That you adore Camilla's quickly seen,  
But tell me, if you will, what prompts such vows;  
What aspect of her so bestirs your heart  
And what's in you, her passions to arouse?

_Gonzo frowns thoughtfully for a few moments – and then, abruptly, snaps his fingers and gestures for Puck to come forward._

_Gonzo:_  
I need a little help here, Boy Wonder.

_Puck:_  
(_cautiously_) What Robin can accomplish shall be done  
Provided 'tis within my gifts to grant.

_Gonzo:_  
You faerie types are good with music, right?

_Puck:_  
That's so – and dance is also our delight.

_Gonzo:  
_Well, then....

_Gonzo and Puck hold a brief, whispered consultation, following which Puck nods, beckons the rest of the court forward, and holds a similar conference with the other faerie folk. Instruments are produced, and after a moment, a flute begins to play a light yet poignant melody._

_Gonzo:_  
(_to Titania_) You'll have to forgive me for borrowing the tune, Your Highness.  
(_under his breath_) And so will John Denver, wherever he is.  
(_to Titania again_) But it's like this....

_He begins to sing. As the verse progresses, a dusting of crystalline bells echoes in the background, and a largely invisible string section joins in._

I used to be lonely and strange and pathetic,  
But then I met her; that's when ev'rything changed;  
For she makes me cheerful, contented, and happy,  
Although I admit that I'm still quite deranged;  
Which just goes to show you that love isn't perfect,  
Still, I can't quibble with two out of three....

Oh, Camilla, the cake to my frosting,  
The cup to my coffee, the kite to my string;  
Oh, Camilla, I'm lost but you've found me;  
I'm so glad you've taken me under your wing.

_Faeries:  
_Ah-di-ay oh [_etc._]

_Perhaps wisely, Gonzo lets the faeries carry the yodeling rather than attempting it himself. Their arrangement of the "Calypso" music isn't as aggressive as the familiar Denver version; even at its brightest, it never quite crosses the line from "hopeful" into "exuberant". But it does get a bit more cheerful in the second verse...._

_Gonzo:  
_We like all the same movies, and poets, and ice cream;  
We'll share a fudge sundae and contemplate plot;  
She'll still let me shoot myself out of a cannon;  
I'll keep her out of the Swedish Chef's pot;  
She can see through the eggshell of my too-fragile ego,  
Keep it from breaking when others cannot....

Oh, Camilla, the cake to my frosting,  
The cup to my coffee, the kite to my string;  
Oh, Camilla, I'm lost but you've found me;  
I'm so glad you've taken me under your wing.

_Faeries:  
_Ah-di-ay oh [_etc._]

_A curious thing happens to the yodeling on this second chorus – from somewhere unseen, the faerie voices are joined by a very soft line of chicken-clucks. Puck and Titania both glance sharply into the shadows, but then turn their attention back to Gonzo, who either hasn't noticed the clucking or isn't letting on that he has as he reprises the chorus._

_Gonzo:  
_Oh, Camilla, the cake to my frosting,  
The cup to my coffee, the kite to my string;  
Oh, Camilla, I'm lost but you've found me;  
I'm so glad you've taken me under your wing.

_Faeries:_  
(_gradually receding_) Ah-di-ay oh [_etc._]

_The strings fade first, then the bells, and finally the flute gives one last trill and dies away. There is a long moment's silence, and then:_

_Titania:_  
An eloquent and most revealing tale,  
But one thing yet you have not let escape;  
Of those we've watched through yonder pool's glass,  
Which is Camilla, and what is her shape?

Gonzo:  
Didn't I make it clear enough already? Camilla is the chicken of my dreams, the Dorothy to my Scarecrow, the Thisby to my Pyramus!

_Puck:_  
(_astonished_) Your truelove is a fowl?

_Gonzo:  
_What's fowl is fair.

_Titania:  
_Pray hold! 'Tis time to clear the clouded air.  
Indeed, observe – the show begins anew.  
'Tis time to see what Oberon can do.

_She gestures toward the scrying pool, rising and returning to its edge; her court follows, and Gonzo reluctantly moves to stand at the Queen's side._

_Gonzo:  
_(_to Titania_) I don't suppose he has any actual acting experience?

_Titania:_  
He's never been convincing in a lie.

_Gonzo:_  
(_morosely_) We're doomed.

_Puck:_  
Perhaps, but nonetheless let's watch him try.

#


End file.
